At one of our workshops, we discussed the importance of teamwork in
parenting. One of the participants expressed her frustration by saying, "My
husband and I often have different opinions on how to discipline our teenagers.
If I say yes, he will say no. When he wants to deal with the situation in a nice
way, I want to be tough. Our children sense the difference and play us one
against the other. They ask permission to do things from the parent who will
give the preferred answer. Why can't we be like other couples who always think
alike?" she asked.
My response was, "If you and your husband were to think alike, there would be
one of you too many..."
One of the beauties of marriage is that it unites two people who are so
different in almost every physical, emotional and intellectual aspect. Moreover,
it is because each parent contributes in his or her own individual way that the
child can derive the full benefits of a healthy upbringing. However, some
parents who do not enjoy a healthy relationship with each other may get caught
up playing the "good cop/ bad cop" game. They think they will earn the
child's love and respect by being nicer than the other parent is. In realty, it
is just the opposite. While the "better" parent may gain love in the short term,
they will lose respect in the long term, as well as doing harm and causing
confusion to the child.
Differences between parents can occur for a number of reasons. One parent may
be more assertive by nature, the other more laid back. One may have more
patience than the other. Alternatively, they may simply be modelling the
parenting styles of their own parents. The most common difference, however,
especially when it comes to teenagers, is the degree of emotional involvement on
the part of the parent. With a young child, it is usually easier to separate
your emotions when approaching the child's misbehaviour, by reminding yourself
that he or she is only a child. This becomes harder to do this as the child gets
older and becomes a teenager. One of the parents may get into a "combative" mode
in his or her relationship with an adolescent child, while the other retains a
greater degree of objectivity.
I suggested to the woman that she should formulate with her husband the
following approach to discipline: all issues should be discussed between the two
of you, in private, and you must reach a conclusion on a policy that you are
both happy to use. If one of you is not happy with your parenting policy, it
will lack the consistency that is a vital element for good discipline. If
necessary, you may want to consult a third party whom you trust, in order to
find an approach that both of you can agree with.
Once the policy is established, sit down with your teenager and explain the
rules that both of you as parents are going to apply. Be very clear that
these rules are not negotiable, and that in the case that changes may be
appropriate, only you, the parents, acting together as a team, will consider any
changes that might become necessary.
If one of you becomes emotionally affected by what the child has done, it is
wise to allow the other parent to deal with the situation, or to wait until the
agitated parent has calmed down. You can tell your child how upset you are and
that you think it is wise not to deal with the situation now. You will be
teaching your child a lesson that you, too, are human, and that sometimes it is
best to wait until the emotions have calmed down in order to make rational
decisions and take sensible action.
Try teamwork parenting -- it works!
